


This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

by hannahindie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bets, Crack, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Drunk!Reader, Gen, Reader Insert, Reader x Sam, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Supernatural - Freeform, a night out gone wrong, alcohol use, beheadings, castiel - Freeform, drunk, drunk!Cas, drunk!Dean, drunk!Sam, sam makeouts, shots, so many sam makeouts, spn fanfic, supernatural fanfiction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 09:25:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17020065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannahindie/pseuds/hannahindie
Summary: Team Free Will tries to have a nice night out, but quickly realize that hunters rarely get the night off.





	This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

_When you hunt evil for a living, and you spend a majority of your days digging up bones, salting and burning various kinds of remains, and sending demons back to hell…you don’t get a lot of down time. The Winchesters are no exception. Despite frequenting bars during hunts while they look for more information, generally speaking they don’t get to sit down and enjoy themselves without business getting in the way. So when they finished their most recent hunt in what seemed like record time, Dean was more than happy to point out that they didn’t have anything lined up and one of the best bars in the tri-state area was in the middle of their happy hour._

“Come on! We finally have some free time. What could possibly go wrong with getting a couple of drinks and some freaking delicious bar food?” _Sam and Y/N had looked at each other and shrugged, then resigned themselves to the fact that Dean wouldn’t let it go until they went. Besides, Dean was right; how could a night out possibly go wrong? Cas had simply nodded and popped into the Impala to wait on the others. Dean grinned, spun the keys around his middle finger, then shooed Sam and Y/N to the car._

_But, as usual, the hunters were about to find out that nothing could ever be that simple._

_If there is anything that you need to know about Sam and Dean Winchester, it’s that they can hold their liquor. Being a hunter, it kind of comes with the territory, but being a Winchester generally ups the alcohol tolerance automatically. Between that and the years of abuse their livers had sustained, it took quite a bit to knock the brothers out of commission. Although Y/N was younger and smaller, her tolerance was also surprisingly high, and she often gave the boys a run for their money. These facts may not seem too important to this story except that in this particular instance, all three of our intrepid hunters had let their guards down a little too much and had proceeded to indulge in the happy hour specials with a little more vigor than was necessary. By the time this story begins, both Winchesters, Y/N, and even Cas had all made decisions that would turn a simple night out into a night that the bar patrons would talk about for years to come._

Dean threw back his seventh shot of whiskey for the night, the burn of it sliding down his throat not even registering anymore. He slammed the glass down on the bar and signalled the bartender to bring him another. “I’m telling you, Sam, being single is the best. I can do whatever I want.”

Y/N looked over at Dean and rolled her eyes, “I’m literally standing right next to you, Dean. Right. Next. To. You.”

Sam leaned over and kissed the top of her head, “He’s just jealous because he doesn’t have someone who is as amazing as you, babe.”

Dean groaned, “See? That right there. Babe? Really?” Dean mimicked a whip cracking and grabbed the shot the bartender had slid down the bar to him.

Y/N smacked Dean in the arm, “He’s not whipped. I mean, not in that sense anyway.” Y/N winked, and Dean grimaced at the image that had unwillingly sprung into his mind.

“You guys are disgusting.” Sam leaned down and kissed Y/N, a little more passionately than he normally would in public due to the alcohol rushing his system, and Dean grimaced. “Why are you the way that you are? Seriously?”

Sam looked at Dean and grinned, **“Because I have sex with actual women! My girlfriend’s not equal parts the internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing, and a sock.”**

Dean glared at Sam, then turned his attention towards the main part of the bar, “Whatever, man, chicks dig self-loathing.” His eyes wandered over the crowd and stopped when he got to Cas sitting at a table in the corner, a large man with a huge beard sitting opposite of him, and a long lineup of shots in front of both of them. “What…the hell is happening over there?” Sam shrugged, but immediately grabbed Y/N’s hand and dragged her towards where the angel was staring down, what appeared to be, a Hell’s Angel reject. Dean stumbled after them and swiped a beer that a waitress was carrying past him on a tray, offering a quick wink when she frowned at him. Dean slid into the booth next to Cas and slung an arm around his best friend’s shoulder, “Whatcha doin’, Cas?” he hiccuped.

Cas glanced at Dean out of the corner of his eye, then back at the guy in front of him, “This man said that he could drink more than I could, Dean, and I do not think that that is the case.”

Dean snorted, “Aw, come on Cas, you know-” Dean stopped suddenly as Sam smacked the back of his head, and Dean glared up at Sam, “What the hell-”

“Why don’t we put some money on that, boys?” Y/N said slyly, throwing a wink at Dean, “Say….$100? Does that sound good to you….?” She looked at the biker.

“Name’s Taser Face,” he growled. Dean snorted, then tried to recover by coughing when Y/N glared at him.

“Taser Face, does that sound like a fair bet?”

He gave Y/N what appeared to be a grin, although it was hard to tell between the missing teeth and large moustache that was currently obscuring half his face. “Make it $500, sweet tits, and we got ourselves a deal.” Sam let out a quiet growl at the ‘sweet tits’ comment, and Y/N put her hand against his chest and shook her head, then smiled back at Taser Face.

“Sounds like a deal. Now, why don’t you two shake on it?”

Cas held out his hand and tilted his head as the biker took it, “Are you trying to hurt my hand? Your grip seems much tighter than it should be for a common handshake.” Taser Face jerked his hand away and grunted in response, and Dean had to suppress another laugh.

Y/N looked at the shots that were lined up in front of the two men and propped a hand on her hip, her eyebrows furrowed, “We’re gonna need more shots.” 

* * *

 Ten minutes later, the surface of the table had practically disappeared under the rows of shots that Y/N and Sam had procured from the amused bartender. Taser Face was looking at the ridiculous amount of alcohol with a look of trepidation, although this time it was hard to tell where he was looking because of the eyepatch that hid his left eye, and Y/N winked at Sam. _At least she thought she had. If you’d asked anyone watching the scene as it unfolded, they would have told you that she was looking slightly past him and had slowly blinked with both eyes. Y/N was not quite the sly drunk she thought she was, and not all the shots they had gotten from the bartender had made it to the table._

“Okay, boys,” Y/N slurred,“there are very few rules. First, you must completely finish the shot and flip the glass upside down. Second, you cannot throw up, that’s an automatic forfeit. Last man standing wins the $500. Do you have any questions?” Both men shook their heads, Cas’s eyes never leaving Taser Face.

“Alright, Cas, you start. Go!” And so it began. Cas would take a shot, Taser Face would take one, and back to Cas. This went on for several minutes, and when there seemed to be no sign of either man slowing down, Dean sighed.

Sam looked over at him, his eyes narrowed as he tried to focus on his brother. _Y/N had not been the only one to sneak a couple of extra shots, if we are going to be honest._ “What’s your problem?” he managed to spit out, despite the fact he’d already begun to lose interest in Dean’s answer before he’d even finished his question.

“We know how this is going to end, and I’m bored.” He stood suddenly and glanced past the crowd that had gathered around their booth to witness the spectacle. Dean grinned as he caught sight of a tall, black-haired woman standing near the pool tables. “Now, _that_ does not seem boring.” Dean clapped Cas on the back as he pushed his way out of the booth, “Good luck, buddy.”

Cas gave Dean a concerned look, “Luck does not have anything to do with this, Dean. I am an angel of the Lord.”

Dean chuckled, “Right. Sam, make sure he-” he stopped mid-sentence when he noticed that both Sam and Y/N had moved away from the table and were up against the wall, preoccupied with what looked like an attempt to eat the other one’s face. Dean grimaced, “Gross.” He shook his head as if to clear the image from his mind, ran his fingers through his hair in an attempt to tame it, then half stumbled, half sauntered over to the raven haired beauty leaning against the wall. “Hello, sweetheart.” He raised an eyebrow at her and she smiled politely.

“Hi.”

Dean leaned against the pool table, smiling widely at his newest prospect. “I’m Dean.”

She crossed her arms, “I’m not interested.”

Dean raised an eyebrow, “You don’t even know what I wanted.”

She smirked, “You want what every other asshole in this bar wants. And the answer is no.”

Dean threw his hands up as if he were offended, “Listen, I just wanted to play some pool and my brother over there,” he nodded his head in the direction of Sam and Y/N, to which the girl made a disgusted face, “is too busy playing tonsil hockey to oblige. You looked bored, so I thought I’d ask.”

She quirked her eyebrows in disbelief, “So you weren’t coming over here to try to use some sort of bullshit ‘I’m in touch with my feelings and broken’ pickup line to get in my pants?”

Dean shrugged, **“Baby, I was emotionally shattered - which turns out be kind of a panty dropper** …but no, in this particular instance I was not going to use my broken, somewhat abusive childhood to convince you to have dirty, stranger sex in the bathroom.” She started to crack a smile, and Dean decided that pushing it a little further might be a good idea. “Unless that’s what you want to do…”

The girl playfully smacked him on the arm and grabbed a pool cue, “You’re an idiot. Rack them up. And my name is Elli.” 

* * *

_And this is where the night could have, and probably should have, gone differently. However, Cas was occupied with Taser Face, who at this point was mumbling about bikers having the most fun with hairy women, Sam and Y/N were occupied with each other (much more than they should have in a public area), and Dean was too occupied by Elli to notice his surroundings. If he had been paying attention, he would have seen the man at the opposite pool table watch as Dean flirted with Elli, his eyes becoming narrower the closer Dean got to her. He also would have noticed that the man was slowly but surely moving closer to the pair as Dean shifted to stand behind Elli so he could show her the proper way to handle a pool cue. Dean was about to find out the hard way that if you’re a hunter, especially one as well known as a Winchester, there’s probably no such thing as a nice night out._

Dean felt a sharp tap on his shoulder, and he rolled his eyes as he shifted away from the offending finger. “I’m busy, if you can’t tell.” The finger returned, and he offered Elli a sweet smile before turning to face whoever it was that interrupted his so far successful pool lesson. “Listen, bozo, I don’t know who you are-” he trailed off as he looked up ( _this guy gave Sam a run for his money in the height department, which is another reason it seemed impossible that Dean had not noticed this behemoth earlier_ ) and swallowed thickly. “Oh, hey, how’s it going-”

It seemed Dean was destined to not finish any of his sentences this evening because the large man grabbed him by the collar and nearly lifted him off the floor. “Winchester,” he growled.

Dean grabbed at the man’s arms and looked around for someone to help him out, “I’m not sure who you are, but I think there’s been a mistake, buddy.” The man smiled, and a set of sharp fangs slid down over his already disgusting, yellow teeth. Dean groaned, “Son of a bitch.”

“There’s not been a mistake. You Winchesters aren’t exactly invisible, and I see that you’re not trying too hard to blend in tonight.”

Dean nodded, “You’re absolutely right, we haven’t tried all that hard, HAVE WE SAM??” He shouted the last part and hoped that his brother could hear him over the music and talking, not to mention the distraction Y/N was being.

The vampire smirked, “Looks like little brother is kinda busy.” His fist connected with Dean’s jaw and he went flying into one of the other pool tables, balls clattering everywhere.

“Seriously, man?!” One of the guys playing pool complained as he grabbed Dean, who was still trying to recover from being thrown across the room, and shoved him back toward Elli and the mystery vampire. Dean struggled to his feet and wiped blood from the corner of his mouth.

“I don’t even know who you are!” Dean spat, disappointed that his night had turned into yet another hunt. At least he didn’t have to track this one down.

“I don’t see where it matters, but the name is Mareck. Trust me, our kind don’t need a specific reason to come for you. You’ve done enough.” He swung at Dean again, but Dean was ready and ducked this time. Mareck’s fist plowed straight into the man standing behind Dean, who then turned around and punched Mareck. Dean backed up and looked for an easy way out, but was soon grabbed by the original pool player who’d had his game ruined when Dean had crashed into their table.

“You made me lose $500, you son of a bitch!” Before Dean could protest, the man punched Dean in the stomach and shoved him towards the middle of the bar. Dean hurried to his feet but soon had to deck someone else that came out of nowhere at him.

“What the hell?!” He looked around and saw that Cas and Taser Face were still going shot for shot, although it appeared that Taser was a little worse for wear. Dean stumbled to their booth, “Cas, a little help here, man!”

Cas looked at Dean, his eyes wide, “I feel something. A slight tingle in my fingers. I think it’s affecting me, Dean.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “Dammit, Cas, come on-ahhh!” Mareck had found Dean and grabbed him by the collar. Dean managed to sweep his leg out and catch one of Mareck’s ankles and the vampire fell, albeit partially on top of Dean. “SAM! SAMMY, GET OVER HERE!” Dean wiggled out from under his assailant and made it halfway to where Sam and Y/N were still going at it before someone grabbed his arm.

“Listen, I am DONE….Elli, what are you-” Before he could finish his sentence, Elli punched him in the face, and he stumbled back a step. “What the hell?” He put a hand to his throbbing nose, and when he pulled it back it was covered in blood, “What was that for?” Elli smiled and revealed her own set of fangs, and Dean groaned, “Of course you are. Normally, I don’t hit women, but I think I can make an exception for you.” Just as he lunged for her, Y/N appeared out of nowhere and gave Elli an uppercut that was so hard, she flew backwards and landed on one of the tables. Dean looked at her with wide eyes.

“You’re welcome.”

“What-”

“Someone grabbed Sam, and when I looked over I saw that bitch coming after you, and Sam can take care of himself so here I am!” She swayed slightly and smiled at Dean.

“Now hold on a second-”

Y/N grabbed a chair, “Duck, Dean!” As soon as he dropped, Y/N swung the chair and nailed Mareck in the face. “You take care of him, I’ll get the girl!” Before Dean could stop her, Y/N was gone, rushing at Elli before she had a chance to get back up from the table. Dean turned to go after Mareck, but he was gone. As Dean surveyed the bar, he realized that the entire place was in chaos. Chairs were being thrown, people were being tossed into tables, the bartender had given up and was sitting on the bar watching the chaos. The sound of shattering glass caught Dean’s attention, and he looked over to see Sam, his chest heaving as he tightly gripped a broken beer bottle and stood over an unconscious man. He looked at Dean and shrugged, completely oblivious to what had been happening for the past five minutes.

“Sam! Vampires!”

“What??”

“Vamp-ires!” Dean enunciated more clearly.

Sam nodded and looked around, “Where’s Y/N?” Dean waved vaguely in the direction she’d gone in and moved closer to Sam.

“We’ve got to get them out of here. Got any ideas?”

Sam waved his broken beer bottle, “This is the only weapon I have on me. I wasn’t really expecting a bar brawl with vampires.”

Dean grabbed a bottle off a nearby table and smashed it on the corner, making a twin to Sam’s.

“What’s this guy look like, anyway?”

Dean pointed over Sam’s shoulder, “Like that!” Sam swung around with the beer bottle, but Mareck was faster and grabbed Sam’s wrist before he could sink the bottle into Mareck’s neck.

“Sam!” Dean managed to get in behind Mareck and jammed his shard of glass deep into his throat, grimacing as the hot blood sprayed across his face. Mareck screamed, and his grip on Sam loosened. By the time Mareck swung around and managed to get Dean off of him, Sam grabbed him by the hair and began sawing into his neck with his broken bottle. Finally, with a loud and sickening pop, Sam separated Mareck’s head from his shoulders. Dean tried to catch his breath as Sam looked at him, Mareck’s head hanging from his fist.

“You okay?”

Dean nodded and wiped away blood that had dripped down his face, “Yea, you?” Sam nodded, then snapped his head around when they heard a scream of triumph from behind them. Dean immediately began to laugh when he caught sight of Y/N standing in the middle of the crowd, Elli’s hair clenched tightly in a blood soaked fist as she waved the head in the air and grinned at Sam and Dean. “Sam, marry that girl.”

Dean looked over when he felt someone standing next to him. Cas, though still upright and the obvious winner of the shot contest ( _Taser was laying in the floor, snoring loudly_ ), was swaying slightly, and Dean could tell that Cas had begun to feel it. Angel of the Lord or not.

“Dean, I believe I won. The man with the beard has quit responding and is currently sleeping. He is not going to feel well tomorrow.”

Dean clapped him on the shoulder, “Nicely done, buddy.” Finally, Dean realized how quiet the bar had become. The brawl had paused, and everyone in the bar had turned their attention to the three blood soaked hunters, two of which were still holding severed heads. “We…uhhh….we should probably go.” Sam nodded in agreement and hurried over to Y/N so that he could usher her outside. Dean and Cas quickly followed behind them as Dean sheepishly waved at people as they left. “Hey, sorry about the mess…ummm…here’s some money to take care of that.” He tossed the money Cas had just won on the bar and quickly exited the building.

“We need to go!” Dean threw himself into the driver’s seat and turned the key, but paused before putting it into drive.

“Dean, what are you waiting for? They’re gonna call the cops, we just beheaded people! In a bar full of people!”

Dean sighed, “I realize this, but I also see like…three of the road right now. Any of you fit to drive home?” Y/N giggled and fell over onto Sam, who immediately began making out with her. Dean looked in the rearview and grimaced, “Can you not?”

Cas lit up and looked at Dean with raised eyebrows, “I can get us home. Hang on everyone.” Cas placed his fingers on the dashboard, and before anyone could ask what had happened the car dropped with a thud in the middle of the bunker’s library. Sam and Y/N looked up in surprise and Dean glared at Cas.

“Really? The library? Does this look like where the car goes?”

Cas looked at the dashboard, then to his fingers, then back at Dean, “The alcohol must have affected me more than I thought.”

“Can we talk about how Dean tried to have sex with a vampire?” Sam giggled from the backseat, causing Dean to change his glare from Cas to the younger Winchester.

“ **Eat a buffet of dicks**. Both of you.” Dean climbed out of the car and began to stomp off to his room.

Cas climbed out to go after him, “Did you want me to move the car after I ate the bag of dicks or just wait until tomorrow?” Dean stopped mid stride as if he was going to respond, shook his head, and kept walking. “Sam, what should I do? I don’t normally eat…”

Sam climbed out of the backseat with Y/N in tow and smiled, “He didn’t mean…I honestly don’t know what you think he meant, but that’s not it. Just…leave it until tomorrow, okay?” They disappeared down the hall, which left Cas alone with the car. He looked around for a moment, then casually made his way towards the kitchen.

“I don’t know why they would have a bag of [Halichoeres bivittatus](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FSlippery_dick&t=MWU4YzMxYTNkOGZhNWMzZThkNTlmZGZiZmU4NjU1NDA5NTI4YjA0YixscnZsc0ZiZw%3D%3D&b=t%3ABmdCaSBv50GI3hbkjcKDyg&p=http%3A%2F%2Fhannahindie.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F161706445790%2Fthis-is-why-we-cant-have-nice-things&m=1)* here, but if Dean suggests for me to eat it, I will certainly try.”


End file.
